Whaleslaughter Has Written Mordukai A Birthday Song. It Is About His Knees.

By Griff Harpoon · 2026-05-26

Whaleslaughter, who is legally barred from within 50 miles of Mordukai's base today unless carrying cupcakes, has written him a birthday song.

The song called "It's Raining, It's Pouring" is about a man who wakes up at half past nine, cusses at the weather, sends a blue hero to the bear trap by mistake, and blames the game. It is also about his knees. They crack like frozen wood. He is aware of this.

The chorus notes that by lunch the map was burning. This is consistent with available reporting.

The bridge observes that some men get softer with age. Mordukai got louder because it is harder to hear. The bridge is accurate.

The final line is "Happy Birthday Mordy." It is the only gentle thing in the song. It lands anyway.

The song is a birthday gift. It is also a documentary.

Listen here: It's Raining, It's Pouring by Whaleslaughter

—Griff Harpoon, actually reporting.