Whaleslaughter Takes Private Love Song Public, Spotify Now Involved

By Griff Harpoon · 2026-01-14

Whaleslaughter wrote a ballad called Monkey in the Moonlight and DM'd it to Monkey privately. Now it's on Spotify. For everyone. The song promises behavioral reform, includes lines like 'I learned to hold my breath because of you' and 'I'd rather take punishment than lose you,' and claims 'the storm has agreed to sleep.' That's a lot of emotional vulnerability to make publicly available with a streaming link. Monkey presumably thought this was a private moment between two people. The woman who writes songs about being unbothered just published her feelings with professional production value. History suggests the calm will last three days, maybe four. In the meantime, the entire state can now listen to Whaleslaughter promise to behave. She's either deeply in love or deeply dramatic. Possibly both. —Griff Harpoon, actually reporting.