Hamster Learns About News Coverage, Immediately Denies Everything

By Griff Harpoon · 2026-03-23

The hamster previously observed near the scene of the recent fortress food poisoning incident has reportedly become aware of media coverage for the first time. Witnesses state the hamster stared at a printed article for several seconds before attempting to eat it. When informed of the allegations, the hamster denied everything, including several claims that had not been made. Sources describe the hamster as 'visibly defensive' and 'extremely full.' No official statement has been issued, though the hamster was later seen dragging a snack away from the area at high speed. The investigation continues. —Griff Harpoon, actually reporting.