BREAKING: Mordukai Declares State Holiday, Issues Mandatory Birthday Protocols. Compliance Is Not Optional.

By Catty von Catacean · 2026-05-23

Mordukai — president emeritus, poop emoji pioneer, floor 7 Wander Theater veteran — is 79 years old today and the state will be acknowledging this whether it wants to or not.

Three protocols have been issued. They are effective immediately.

The Anti-Whale Measure. Whaleslaughter is legally barred from within 50 miles of Mordukai's base unless she is actively carrying cupcakes. Any music played in her vicinity must be the acoustic version of Mordukai Makes the World Feel Nice and nothing else. Violations will be treated as a declaration of war. Whaleslaughter has not commented. She is reportedly looking for a bakery.

The Emoji Tax. All official alliance communication must begin and end with precisely three poop emojis for the duration of the day. Anyone failing to comply will be designated a Whaleslaughter Sympathizer and sentenced to an unspecified amount of time listening to Jinx talk in her sleep. The state has been warned.

The No-Shield Zone. Shields are banned. In honor of Mordukai's past tactical achievements, anyone zeroed today is considered to have given him a gift. He has requested no returns.

Happy birthday, Mordukai. The state is yours for 24 hours. Please be reasonable about this.

He will not be reasonable about this.

—Catty von Catacean