A medieval fortress with a quarantine flag hastily nailed to the gate, eight chalk outlines visible through the window, a half-eaten snack platter on the doorstep, a hamster walking away from the scene looking extremely guilty

BREAKING: Eight Dead After Food Poisoning Outbreak In Whaleslaughter's Fortress

By Griff Harpoon · 2026-03-23

Eight townspeople are dead. The fortress Whaleslaughter moved into after joining SNK has been quarantined pending investigation. The last thing anyone ate before the incident: snacks. Where those snacks came from, nobody will say on record. Investigators have identified a hamster in the vicinity displaying what sources describe as 'guilty energy and suspiciously full cheek pouches.' Hamster has not been charged. Hamster has also not explained the cheek pouches. The investigation continues. —Griff Harpoon, actually reporting.