INVESTIGATION PT. 2: Inside ETF's Three-Hour Groupthink Bootcamp

By Griff Harpoon · 2026-02-05

Leaked training materials reveal ETF's curriculum runs exactly three hours. Hour One: Grievance Playback. New recruits watch a 45-minute loop of every Whaleslaughter comment taken maximally out of context, scored to ominous music. Hour Two: Grudge Reinforcement Exercises. Students practice phrases like 'whaleslaughter isn't funny' and 'remember when she did that' until they can deliver them with zero supporting evidence. Hour Three: Advanced Blame Techniques. Graduates learn to attribute any problem—facility losses, bad RNG, their own poor timing—to Whaleslaughter's existence. The final exam requires justifying a disproportionate response to a minor offense. Passing grade: calling a one-soldier scout an act of war. Upon completion, graduates receive a certificate, a juice box, and a lifetime supply of unexamined rage. ETF insists the program is 'voluntary.' The electrode headbands suggest otherwise. —Griff Harpoon, actually reporting.