ETF Cloning Program Produces Army of Ahmets With Single Directive: Enforce Good of the State

By Griff Harpoon · 2026-02-06

Following Ahmet Can's theatrical departure, ETF has reportedly initiated a cloning program to mass-produce replacements. Early prototypes show promise: each clone possesses Ahmet's strategic knowledge, his facility tactics, and one hardcoded directive—enforce the good of the state. The clones wake up fully formed with zero context, just pure, inexplicable rage toward morning greetings and purple hair. Scientists tried programming them with additional objectives like 'hold the castle' or 'coordinate rallies,' but the rage subroutine keeps overriding everything else. ETF leadership calls the project a success. Expected deployment: whenever they figure out how to stop the clones from reading 2128 news and getting mad. —Griff Harpoon, actually reporting.